I wonder often if I could ever get used to this feeling and I fear that I’m okay with where things are with the people who were once my everything.
I go to sleep and wake up every morning with so much gratitude and peace for the life I have, the career path I’ve been privileged to embark on, the partner whose support is unconditional, the kitty who cuddles into me every night I sleep, the house I am lucky to live in and the amazing friends who have entered my life.
But only when I close my eyes, I travel back to the roots I tore away from. I no longer feel the things I did once, there is no sign of shame, guilt, honour or cultural impositions. Instead, it is the familiar scent of a BBQ that my dad is cooking up in the yard, the sound of my sisters chattering happily in the background, while I sit in our beloved deck that my dad built. It is always a preparation of my departure, I am always getting prepared to leave on a journey and my mom is quickly packing up spices and Afghan bread for me to stuff into my suitcase. The feeling of excitement of an adventure is mixed with a sense of comfort that I have my families support. It is not a foreign experience; it feels as if I have always felt this way.
I wake up feeling confused every morning, wondering if it was real. It’s an itch that never really fades with a simple scratch. I realize it’s the wounds beneath the surface that are healing and I mustn’t play with the sutures of my injury. I hide them under the urgent layers of my daily routine and run them off daily at the gym to subdue the question marks. I occupy my evenings with activities that provide fuel to my busy hands and my chattering mind to sleep the thoughts that may unravel in a moment’s notice.
Through it all, I feel a light inside, a sense of clarity I previously didn’t possess. I have accepted all that has come my way with open arms in a way that makes me feel whole and complete. The path I’m on feels right and I know that so long as I am honest with myself, I will never again betray myself into walking a direction that doesn’t fit my mold. We are all masters of our own universes and so long as I cherish and commit to those little things, the big things will always fall back the way they should. And the thing I hope for, will figure itself out.