For so long I planned—everything. I was certain that if I did that, it would go my way and then I would be happy. It’s no surprise that life doesn’t work that way and I couldn’t be more grateful. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be; finally living from moment to moment. Knowing that wherever I may be, I will find my way and find my people.
The plans I made 10 years ago would have helped me become professionally and financially successful but I didn’t plan for anything else. The years I spent navigating the world alone helped me see that what I valued was purely based on what we have all be taught to value; stability. All that’s good in my life has come from turmoil, destruction and waves of pain. We often run from all that is negative but we should really lean into it. Sit with it, listen to it and understand it. And then, with time let the scars be memories and lessons we carry with the knowledge that like us, others have also been hurt on their journey.
I was so afraid of turning 30 and not being the image of accomplishment that I had always envisioned myself to be. I’ve accomplished things I can’t post in a picture, hang on my wall or celebrate. The things I’ve done took everything from me. I’ve lived through being homeless, sleeping in my car, losing the entirety of my family and facing racism/prejudice/discrimination/hate still being able to carry myself with dignity, humility and chose to treat everyone with every ounce of kindness I could give. I could never give myself that credit in the past.
I’m always envious when people are able to openly post about their grievances on social media. I’ve craved that public support and the compassion. My story isn’t one that generally receives an empathetic response. Those who know, are often at a loss for words because they simply cannot understand any of it. I’ve lost my family but they’re not dead. The pain of loss is compounded with deeper feelings of shame and humiliation. Humiliation for what has happened and shame that if others found out about my life, they’d be quick to throw insults and cast me and my family into the stereotypical bubble that often propagates in my conversations with folks regularly. For a long time, I reserved to disclose the truth only when necessary and in the briefest of ways, in order to protect myself and family.
The pain helped me be at ease with how quickly the tides of our lives can shift. And to relish the moment when the tide is soft and the breeze kisses your shoulder. When a storm hits the shore, I know how to duck for cover and protect myself and those around me. I take no offense to the storms that may come my way, I’ve accepted that they are no ones’ fault. I blame no one for anything and I no longer feel the need to blame myself. It serves no benefit to me or anyone else; it’s counterproductive.
Since turning 30, I’ve become free. I feel it in my finger tips and toes; I say what I think without reservation. I don’t care what anyone thinks or if they dislike what they’re hearing. I share my story with pride; I am a trailblazer. I did it alone, with no help from anyone and I still found love at every turn. I am the luckiest girl that came from my world.